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03:11:48 Monday December 01 2003
I spent this day recovering. Lehman came over this evening. Lehman is
someone that I met at our local ACM
chapter. I knew him for quite some time. He seemed a good gent with
his head on his shoulders. This last summer he joined our gaming
group. Since then I have come to know him much better. He is a devout
but reasonable Christian. He studies Hebrew. He likes a campaign with
more combat than mine provides. And he has a delightfully childish
sense of humor. So this evening we made vegetable stir fry and played
Settlers of Catan.
00:35:24 Tuesday December 02 2003
I was reasonably productive today. Actually I am still at work. I got a
great deal accomplished on the Internet emulator that Brad and I are
working on for CS590N. After that I decided to go to work and try to
get something accomplished. This is actually a major flaw in my
character. If I have accomplished something for one project in a given
day then I feel entitled to slack off on the others. So once I arrived
here I immediately began chatting with Chris and working on setting up
a MonkeyFilter account. Then I
decided to go back and read all of my roommate's old livejournal
entries.
I have to admit that this
is my favorite entry. And I quote: Dan is always in a bad mood
these days, I'm not really sure what it is, he's just fucking lonely
and spiteful I suppose, I'm lonely, and probably a bit spiteful, but
not nearly to the same degree, I think he's given up on being even
remotely human. Those of you who don't know me might think that I
would become irritated by this. But the reality of the situation is
that I laughed out loud. I mean man's inhumanity toward man is a classic
literary theme, but a better theme for most people's lives would
probably be man's inhumanity toward self.
Matt's livejournal is filled with all kinds of slightly worrying and
slightly annoying references to suicide. It seems fairly juvenile on
the surface and I react to it somewhat on that level. I hate to say it
now, because I have had this theory for years, but on another level
talking about suicide is really just another form of terrorism. Just
like the folks who went on a hunger strike in the memorial mall a few
years back. Essentially you are holding yourself hostage until you get
the attention that you crave. It makes me feel manipulated. Of course
the level that is actually worrisome and not just annoying is that I
think he might actually do it some day. I mean all it would take is one
really bad day. I even bought a gun lock on buy nothing day because
I felt that it would be criminally negligent of me to keep the old gun
my grandfather gave me in the same house with him.
The thing I admire most about his livejournal is the immediacy of the
writing. It is evident that he wrote down exactly what he
was feeling at exactly the moment he started typing. It isn't white
washed. He didn't spend too much time thinking about who might read it
later. I used to write like that back in high school. Six years of
technical writing without a creative outlet does take its toll. I
guess my log here really serves a different purpose. It marks
the passing of time, steady as a metronome. However, it is not nearly as
engrossing to read as Matt's livejournal.
01:46:12 Wednesday December 03 2003
I think I need to start seriously considering the distinct possibility
that I may be going mad. There is a bug in the code for Professor
Simonsen's recombination widget. Actually there was a small collection
of bugs conspiring to defeat me. I believe that I have it reduced down
to one bug or at most a handful. However I have spent an obscene
amount of time today chasing this damn thing and I can't seem to find
it.
In other news we learned about ARP today in CS590N. Professor Comer
was out with the flu. Also, I finally cleaned off the desk in my
bedroom. The rooms in the extremities of the house get quite cold in
the winter. It is nice be able to use the laptop in the room.
Also it is that time of semester again. At some point in the semester
I realize that I have more things to do than hours in the day. At this
point I pick up my now ancient prescription for desipramine.
I see here that this bottle was dispensed on 1999-09-03. I was
prescribed this long ago to treat attention deficit disorder (perhaps
I will share my views on ADD later). It is your standard tricyclic
antidepressant. It makes me feel just slightly out of it, which is when
I do my best work. It has the added benefit of filling my head with
neurotransmitters that are normally replenished at night which means
that it basically stands in for real sleep. When I am on it I have a
hard time sleeping through the night. Unfortunately the side effects
are obnoxious. Aside from the fact that I don't like to feel "out of
it" all the time it also generates quite a bit of vertigo when I stand
up too quickly. Often I also loose vision temporarily when I
stand. The other major drawback for a young man of my age is that
while I am taking desipramine I couldn't get an erection to save my
life. Now you see why I only take it a few weeks in any given semester.
02:45:19 Thursday December 04 2003
Some progress was made on the CS590N project today. Also agt-login.rcs.purdue.edu
now has a working grid-ftp server. You can verify this for yourself here. Professor
Simenson is giving a talk about all the progress that we have made on
her project tomorrow.
03:48:50 Friday December 05 2003
I worked on the cs590n project today. Today Katy gave her big talk
about all of the improvements we have made to her recombination
widget. Everyone seemed to be quite impressed. After that I went back
to work on the project until midnight. While we were in the lab the
first real snow storm of the year began. After I got home I set to
work hunting down people for my Christmas card list. It is amazing how
quickly people disappear after college. On second thought I suppose it
isn't all that amazing since most young professionals live in
a series of ever improving apartments until they get married.
03:02:55 Saturday December 06 2003
I had a rude awakening today. I got up and returned a phone call that
I received from Kelsey yesterday. Kelsey was the engineer across the
hall from me back in good old Harrison Hall my freshman year. He
seemed so bland at first. Even as compared to me he had an
unbelievably strict set of morals. Well as everyone else dropped out
around us I began to get to know Kelsey better. Of course all of us
were in a constant state of flux at that time, but it was very
interesting to watch Kelsey mature. In some regards his strict morally
code was a crutch that he would use to excuse himself from moral
ambivalent situations and to distance himself from persons of moral
turpitude. However from another point of view it gave him a lot of
inner strength. Where as the rest of us were just trying to figure it
all out from scratch Kelsey had an instruction manual of sorts. He had
somewhere to start. As he grew his morals matured. This isn't to say
that he has relaxed his morals, quite the contrary he is probably the
most moral person I know. When I say they matured, I mean he learned to
pick his battles which is something we could all stand to learn.
Back to the narrative at hand. When I returned his call I expected to
have a conversation with him about politics or religion or
philosophy as we are wont to do. I had none of these
conversations.
Him: "Hello. Jeff Kelsey."
Me: "Dan Noland"
Him: "So I finally got a hold of you."
Me: "Sorry about that. My phone was charging yesterday and I didn't
get back from the lab until late. So what's up?"
Him: "My dad died yesterday. He had a heart attack."
Holly shit! We have just lost cabin pressure. Finding myself at a loss
I stammer some condolences. I don't know what to say at a time like
this. Men aren't really supposed to know, and I am no exception. I
suspect that he sensed that I didn't know what to say because he
quickly mentioned how busy he was with the arrangements and let me off
the line with a promise to call back later today. (He didn't.)
After spending the afternoon/evening in the Xinu
Lab I came home and called my father. I felt compelled
to. Kelsey's dad is only a few years older than mine. It made me
realize that I could lose him at any time. We had a great
conversation.
I looked up the date and time of the visitation hours at the funeral
home. So on Sunday I will put some more miles on my car and go visit
Kelsey. I suppose that this is just the traditional male reaction to
death. Girls get to cry, but men need to "do something" about
death. We need to make funeral arrangements or take care of someone or
drive across the state. Anything to feel that we still have some power
left even when faced with an enemy that will eventually defeat us all.
03:16:44 Sunday December 07 2003
I worked all day on a Saturday. Normally I find this very hard to
do. Today I wasn't super productive, but I got plenty
accomplished. Tomorrow I am off to the funeral.
When you get a chance try your hand at this. I had a
hard time defeating it on the most difficult setting.
23:34:21 Sunday December 07 2003
Today was almost a complete loss. I did manage to go see Mr Kelsey
and give him my condolences in person. Other than that nothing good
came of this day. I have lost my wallet. My father was to sick to
have dinner with me. And I didn't manage to get a lick of work
done. I am going to bed-now. Wake me when it is tomorrow.
02:10:03 Tuesday December 09 2003
Today turned out to be much better than yesterday. I Got up early and
met with Katy. We fixed the major bugs in her code. I need to clean up
some memory errors and we will be in good shape again.
I went out to the legendary Purdue
Salvage yard today. Apparently they are closing at the end of this
semester. I will be sad to see them go. It was a great place to find
old junk computer equipment for students to experiment with. I wish
there was some economic model that would allow universities to keep
these places so that poor starving students could grow up to be
hackers.
03:13:25 Wednesday December 10 2003
I managed to extricate myself from my nice warm bed this morning and
actually attend Dr Commer's course. After all this late night
programming I could barely stay awake. I had that awful burning
sensation behind my eyes. So after my morning routine I decided to
piss off back to bed.
After sleeping the better part of the afternoon away I awoke and got
to work. I did some serious damage as well. I finalized a the newest
version of the recombination widget and sent it off to Katy and
Chinh. I wrote a kind of udp-packet-machine-gun
for testing our network processor code. I also managed to get most of
the way through implementing the delay mechanism for our network
processor. All in all a productive day.
03:57:14 Thursday December 11 2003
I got up just before noon today. We had our weekly meeting with
Katy. This afternoon I got the gsissh daemon running on
agt-login.rcs.purdue.edu Brad and I added packet delay to the
list of services that our internet emulator provides. We got done
about midnight. I had intended to come home and auger in to the
bed. However, Matt and Sara were up and apparently in the mood for
conversation. We talked for several hours. Sara gave me one of her
lithographs. It is lovely. I will likely use it as a test subject for
my planned frame making pastime. Dr Commer has summoned us all to
class tomorrow morning, so I suppose that I should get some sleep.
03:21:21 Friday December 12 2003
Once the semester clears itself away I will return to the
longer more introspective type of posts that I have been trying to
produce in the past week or so. For now you will have to make due with
the more brief and factual type. Note to self: A significant number of
posts have run off the front page. It is past time to modify the
indexer to create an archive page of old posts.
Today I awoke much earlier than I would have liked. I was up late last
night and I didn't sleep well besides. I went to Professor Comer's class. He
wrapped up all the interesting bits about tradeoffs in network
processor design. Then he bribed us with delicious muffins before
handing out the evaluations. I evaluated him well. Mostly because I
agree with his philosophy. On the door of his lab there is a large
poster that has been co-opted from it's original purpose as an
announcement of the
macromedia back-to-school contest. It appears to be a crumpled
yellow sign with the words build stuff in giant type on the
front. Below the macromedia info has been covered up by a stylized
map of the xinu lab. That is how he thinks. We should be building
stuff, and solving problems. It is a refreshing view in my department
where so many theoreticians abound.
After class I went to work. After lunch I had a conference call with
the AGT folks. We
decided to all sit down and get our transaction system working. We
were on the call for about three hours, but we got it running. About
two thirds of the way through the call the lack of sleep began to
catch up with me. After work Brad and I had dinner with Amanda
Denton. From there we got to seriously debugging our cs590N code. It
was frustrating, but I think I know what is wrong. I plan on skipping
work tomorrow and working all day on cs590n.
03:41:49 Saturday December 13 2003
I slept in late again today, then worked on CS590N. Lord knows why,
but I implemented an ARP responder in
assembly. Work on our internet emulator is proceeding nicely, but I
fear that Brad is getting burned out rather quickly. Tonight he seemed
fairly insistent that we go play video games with Terry and Lehman
after about 21:00. We did work until 22:00 before we took a video game
break. I would rather have worked tonight and maybe taken a break
tomorrow. I suspect that Brad will lobby for a break tomorrow as
well. I definitely think that will be out of the question.
03:23:36 Sunday December 14 2003
Forward motion on the project came more slowly today. We worked late
and then stopped for a late dinner. Fiery stir fry of death is a
delicacy. It is probably the last time that I will ever have it with
Terry. By the time I got back to the lab it was locked. So I bailed
and went over to John's place and watched an episode of Buffy or
two. We really need to bust our asses tomorrow if we want to have
something truly impressive to show Professor Comer on Wednesday.
03:16:43 Monday December 15 2003
The World Today: The tyrant Saddam Hussein was captured hiding
in a "spider hole" in Al-Dawr near his home town of Tikrit by the men
and women of the US 4th Infantry division.
The Internet Today: This week the strange net community everything2.com returned after more
than a month (2003-11-05 through 2003-12-10) of downtime.
My Life Today: I spent the entire day in the xinu lab working
on the cs590n project. Our delay function works well now. We had a
great deal of trouble with it. About 21:00 or 22:00 I was very worried
that it might prove too difficult. However thanks to Brad's clever
testing I discovered that I had left a debugging routine from earlier
in the code. This routine dumped a trace of each packet to disk as it
went by. As a result our internet emulator was falling WAY behind line
speed and we were dropping packets. Once the debugging routine was
removed our code proved to be quite efficient.
01:15:30 Wednesday December 17 2003
Well, there is no entry for yesterday. This is because I haven't
slept yet. Pulling all nighters is a fine art. You have to keep your
blood sugar high all day and learn to take 30 minute power naps to be
of any use at all. I probably could have grabbed four hours of sleep
last night. It might have helped. I didn't get as much accomplished
overnight as I would have liked. But who knows if it would have come
any faster after some sleep. The presentation of our project is
tomorrow. I suspect we are solidly in 'B' land, but I wish we could
pull an 'A'. I am pushing the 36 hour mark so I had better get some
sleep now, before the hurting begins.
02:09:20 Thursday December 18 2003
I got up early and gave my presentation today. I think that it went
well. I wish that I could post my project on the web to clue others in
to some of the more interesting points. However, the NDA prohibits
this.
After the presentation I went to work. I didn't really get much
accomplished because my brain has kinda shut down for the semester. I
did go home and read through some of the old Fravia stuff. I keep thinking
that someday I will submit an essay to him/her. Chris stopped by this
evening to give me a Christmas gift. I received Microserfs by
Douglas Coupland. I was quite grateful. I was also very impressed
because Chris bought books for Matt and Sara and Myself and all of us
were eager to read them. I have always believed that buying books
that other people will read is an especially difficult and personal
task. Chris's excellent choices demonstrate a particularly keen
insight.
Oh yeah, the introduction thing. Chris is a former student and fellow
Noder. He is very mild
mannered, but t he has a keen intellect. He asks me about a lot of
computer stuff, and I am always happy to answer. However, I suspect
that in terms of raw intelligence he is smarter than I. He knows things
that I definitely did not have a very good grasp of as a sophomore. The
only reason that I can answer his questions is because I have about
four years head start on him. He will catch up soon enough. If he has
a flaw it is lack of confidence. He often apologizes for things that
are not his fault, that sort of thing. In general he is one
of the nicest people anyone could care to know. I am sure he is bound
for big things.
05:07:52 Friday December 19 2003
Today I did nothing. And it was everything that I had hoped it could
be. I had hoped to go out with Terry and Yost to the bar
tonight. However without a driver's license that doesn't seem very
practical. Instead I sat around and watched Buffy with the noders. It
was a good evening. I have some work to do for Professor Jun Xie
tomorrow. Then dinner with Professor Dunsmore on Saturday and hopefully
an opportunity to see Laura on Sunday. More on Laura later.
04:53:55 Saturday December 20 2003
Today I didn't do much. I had my meeting with Professor Jun Xie. I
didn't even finish her code. Although I did promise to finish it for
her before I left town. While I have not accomplished much "real" work
in the last couple of days I have made tremendous progress on chores
around the house. The house had fallen rapidly into disrepair while I
was occupied with finals. Now it is almost livable again. This evening
I went to Brad and Terry's apartment and played the new Mario Cart
game. It is a lot of fun. I may have to purchase it RSN.
04:50:02 Tuesday December 23 2003
I have been quite negligent about my log entries for the past couple
of days. Let us do a quick catch up. On Saturday I met Terry, Brad,
Terry's parents, Professor Dunsmore and his wife for dinner at Bistro
501 in downtown Lafayette. It was a lovely dinner. Everyone but Brad
and I seemed to know exactly how to socialize. We took to the edge of
the conversation and snuck in a few comments here and there. It was an
excellent night out and I was very glad to get an opportunity to thank
Professor Dunsmore for being such an excellent teacher, mentor, and
boss. I am certainly glad that he is here looking out for
the educational mission of the department, because if it weren't for
him I think that goal would be tossed by the wayside.
On Sunday I went to Anderson and attended a Christmas party held by
Laura Ewald. Laura was a good friend in high school. She went to
college at IU and very quickly
got absorbed into that scene. Amber and I did go down to see her once
her sophomore year (I think). However after that she just completely
lost track of us. We tried to contact her a number of times. However
after she graduated all hope seemed to be lost. Amber jokingly decided
that Laura must be dead because surely if she were alive she would
contact her friends. Well sometime before Thanksgiving I received an
email from Laura. Apparently Erica gave her my address. We agreed to
get together over Christmas and I forwarded her on to Amber and Cara.
This all culminated in the event that I attended last
night. Apparently the little get together had blossomed into a full
scale party. There were a lot of people there that I knew: Laura F,
Megan S, McNab, Amber, Tim+Susan. There were also a lot of people
there from IU and Laura's summer camp job. I did all right, but Amber
and I were reserved all night as is our habit when with new people. I
would have preferred a smaller get together with only people I knew
well, but this was probably the best use of Laura's limited time in
Anderson.
Apparently all the driving and socializing last night wore me
out. Because I overslept a great deal this afternoon. Once awake I
went to work and banged my head against Professor Xie's problem for a
bit. It turns out that it is much more difficult than I expected. I
wanted to finish up tonight, but I will have to get up tomorrow and
finish it.
04:34:00 Sunday December 28 2003
At long last I have returned home. It is not that I dislike my
family. We actually get on quite well. It is just that going to my
parents house is a lot like being sent back to kindergarten. At first
you get to see all the people you love and sit around and do
essentially nothing all day long. However after a day or two you start
going stir crazy looking for something to do. After a certain point in
your life you just can't go back and be who you were before. I think
the weirdness associated with going back to the parents is just an
expression of our subconscious knowledge that you can't return to the
womb.
04:24:15 Tuesday December 30 2003
I have been getting up late recently. I suppose that I have something
of a sleep debt after the holidays. However, after the new year this
will have to stop. I have a class to prepare for and work to
do.
Brad has moved in to my house. He is homeless for a month until he
moves back to Alabama. It is becoming a bit crowded around here, but
not to worry it is only temporary. I am having some difficulty finding
a few hours to be alone. I suppose that being an introvert
is difficult in a large household. I have some serious doubts about my
ability to cohabitate later in life.
I finished Stardust by Neil Gaiman
last night. It is an incredibly quick read and I would recommend it to
anyone. It is essentially a fairy tale concerning a young man who is
half Shide and his
journeys to win the heart of his lady love. I am not sure exactly what
I find so fascinating about the strange mythology surrounding The Fay
and their associated magics. Perhaps it is the strange lyrical quality
of the rhymes, or perhaps it is the interesting set of arbitrary
laws. None the less give it a read if you get the opportunity.
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